As told to you by an expert.*

1. If you live in an old building, you won’t know what the hell is going on when the heat comes on.  Is it a rusty tap struggling to turn on and release water? Is it a super annoying fly, buzzing just out of reach above your head? Maybe it’s the fizzing of the fires of hell as they break through the corner of your seemingly normal room in Williamsburg, which from the outside definitely does not look like it is sitting on top of Satan’s gateway, so why is this happening?! And god help you if you are hungover and can’t work out how to turn it off.
2. Pegging requests are a thing you will come across on tinder on what can be considered a half regular basis compared with Australia. As are open relationships, but I’ve covered that already in a previous article, which you would have surely already read if you truly care. Like John, 28, who didn’t put up pictures because he doesn’t feel like letting people know he is into this, but he’s definitely happy to send some if you want. He lives on Long Island but is in the city on a semi regular basis. Phew, I was worried that pegging would be sporadic at best. He also made his profile picture from that some e-card website, showing a dapper man wearing a waistcoat standing at a dining table for some reason. Because nothing says pegging like a turn of the century gent at a dinner party.
3. Even on the free days at the museum you’ll pay full price. Why? Because you’re a guilt laden female, who, when told that, yes it is free today, but the recommended donation is the normal entrance cost, you are unable to look the attendant in the eye and pay nothing. Cause you’re a nice, polite, gutless Australian, not a hard edged New Yorker.
4. You will only have Australian friends. Not only are there Australians everywhere in Brooklyn, but the only people you will even remotely know are friends of friends, who, no surprises here, are Australians.   And because Australians have taken over, you’ll walk around with your new Australian friends, talking in your Australian accent, ordering flat whites and eating some version or another of avo on toast. But hey, I live in New York, so I’m different to regular Australians, OK?
5. It’s not even remotely glamorous like TV. I guess I knew this one already, and it is obvious anyway, but I’ve been struck by how seriously ugly some street corners are. In juxtaposition to some very lovely scenes three blocks over. It will also become representative of what you look like: one day you won’t have showered for two days, will have your track pants tucked into your socks with a giant jacket and a beanie; the next your hair will be washed and you will be wearing some form of clean and nice clothing with some makeup on. You are the city, gurl. You go.   
6. You will be jetlagged for a whole week and become like your vague best friend, only she doesn’t lose shit, and you will. In the first week I left my iPhone charger on the plane, forgot to pick up $100 at the ATM, left my earphones at the bar (which meant no pod cast for the subway ride home, sob) and dropped my freshly bought, one-month unlimited metro card pass.  I have never in my life been this vague and my first week in New York is not the time and place to become such a person.  I’m chalking it up to building myself some good karma and I’m just patiently waiting for that good karma to kick in while being $250 poorer.
7. It doesn’t matter how proud you were of fitting your whole life into two suitcases, and boy was I proud, ask anyone, once you land and unpack your nine items of clothing you’ll realise you have nothing to wear. You will rotate between an oversized white shirt with jeans and overalls. An oversized white shirt with jeans and overalls. Overalls and an oversized white shirt with jeans. Lucky you have no friends so no one really sees you in the same outfit twice. Phew.
8. Grapes are weirdly expensive here. For the same price as a whole bag of grapes you could also buy a whole pre-prepared lunch or dinner, or like three slices of pizza (see below).  
9. Pizza is still delicious. That’s universal. But it mostly doesn’t cost $1 a slice. That’s a lie made up to get us all to come to New York.

*An expert who is basing her whole post on having lived 28 whole days in New York.  Like I said. Expert.